Optical Illusions Part IV

I remember lying on the exam table and listening to Karen and the nurse trying to decide what to do. Finally in my horrible speech voice I said, "This is so frustrating! There is nothing wrong with my  brain. I know exactly what you are saying. You are making decisions about my well being and I don't have any input at all." The nurse's face said it all. She looked at Karen, looked back at me and said to me, "YOU MEAN YOU ARE NOT DISABLED!" She thought because of the way my speech sounded that I was mentally retarded. You see, things are not always what they seem. Karen and I were both stunned. It never occurred to either of us that is what she was thinking. In Karen's best mom voice she said, "NO! She is smart and I mean very smart!" That is when things began to change.

The nurse called my doctor. She and Karen were my advocates. They insisted that something be done immediately. They knew that I could not wait until the next week to see a neurologist. Neither one of them would take no for an answer from the doctor. The doctor called a new neurologist who had just recently moved to a town nearby. He told me that he didn't know anything about him but that he would see me at 1:30 if we could get there that fast. Karen and I jumped in the car. We brainstormed a list of questions on the way to the doctor's office. (OF COURSE I HAD A LIST!) The questions took up the front and back of a sheet of paper. I still thought that I was having an allergic reaction to the anti-depressant. But, things are not always what they seem.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

Optical Illusions Part III

I drove myself home from the hospital. My dog was happy to see me since she had spent the night alone and was accustomed to sleeping in the bed with me. I spent the remainder of that Tuesday holding my dog, resting, watching television and doing exactly what the doctor prescribed....taking it easy. I still could not speak clearly, chew or swallow. "Be patient" was all I could say to myself.

Wednesday morning, Karen called to check on me. My speech was terrible. I could not chew or swallow and had not eaten anything since Sunday. Here is our conversation...

Karen: "Are you going to call the doctor?"

Me: "I will tomorrow if I am not better."

Karen: "No, that is not an option. When are you going to call the doctor?"

Me: "I promise I will call tomorrow if I am not better. It just takes time to get the medication out of your system."

Karen: "No that is not an option. Are you calling the doctor now or am I going to call the doctor now?"

I called the doctor. He scheduled a swallow test for me the next morning. Karen took off work and came to pick me up. We got to the hospital for the swallow test. Karen was doing most of the talking because my speech was so difficult to understand. It was frustrating to attempt to communicate with others when they have no idea what you are trying to say. I sounded like someone who had a stroke that left them with a severe speech impediment. The nurses and the technicians spoke to Karen as if I was not even in the room. I wanted to scream, "HEY, I'm here!"

They fed me some more of the delicious hospital pudding with the wonderful Thick-it. I choked. It was the first time since this entire ordeal began that I felt scared. I tried it again. Again, I choked. This time it felt terrifying. I remember the feeling in my chest and my face. I could not verbally communicate but I know my eyes told Karen everything. She and the nurse took me back to the nurse's office and had me lie down on an exam table. They were talking about me. "HEY, I'm here" was all I could think. The nurse called my doctor.  My doctor told the nurse to tell me to go home. I could see a neurologist next week. Karen and the nurse kept talking about me. What should they do? Who should they call? I was invisible. ... to be continued

Things are not always what they seem. “The LORD is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?” Psalm 27:1

Optical Illusions Part II

Things are not always what they seem. I could not talk, chew or swallow. It must be a stroke. This is what kept going through my mind as the symptoms kept multiplying. The heaviness and the weakness that I was experiencing were debilitating. The morning routine that normally took me 45 minutes to complete from start to finish took me 1.5 hours to do that Monday morning. OK! THIS IS WEIRD! I stumbled into work without stopping to talk to anyone. I wasn't sure what was happening and didn't want to explain it to anyone else. I called the doctor at 8:00 that morning and was told I could not see him until the next day. I knew that was not an option. If I was this bad in 24 hours how much worse would I be tomorrow. If I am having a stroke I need help now. I left a message for my doctor's nurse to call me. When she heard my voice she told me to come in immediately. By 9:00 I was in the doctor's office and he was admitting me to the hospital. I convinced him to let me go home, check on my dog and get some clothes. I drove myself to the hospital, checked myself in and began the journey that changed my life.

Driving myself to the hospital was one of the loneliest times of my life. I was having some kind of medical emergency and I was facing it alone. In my mind, I thought that I was saving Todd and my friends from worrying. I am TOUGH! I am INDEPENDENT! I CAN DO THIS! By 6:00 that night I think I had every test known to mankind run. The doctor ordered blood work, MRI's, heart ultrasounds, and CAT scans. It was exhausting and my symptoms were getting worse. During dinner time, the speech pathologist came to my room and brought in some pudding. I could not swallow and she thought that something thick might help. It didn't! So she added a delicious (NOT) substance called Thick-it so that the already scrumptious hospital pudding would taste even better and the consistency would be even thicker! YUM! I know your mouth is watering just reading this story! That didn't help either and the speech pathologist was mystified.

The next morning the doctor came in with a 45 page printout with the results from all the tests.He had good news. All of the tests were negative. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I must be having an allergic reaction to the anti-depressant I started last week. I was released from the hospital and told to go home for a few days. Just take it easy until the medication gets out of my system in the next 24 - 48 hours. You will be just fine! Things are not always what they seem.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

Optical Illusions Part I

Sometimes things are not always what they seem. MG has definitely taught me that. Before I was diagnosed, I had some interesting experiences just trying to understand what was happening to me. I told my doctor for several months that "something" was wrong with me. It was difficult to explain the extreme fatigue that I was feeling and the heaviness in my chest. I told him several times that it felt as if my insides were boiling. My doctor was convinced that it had to be depression. So, he treated me with several different kinds of anti-depressants. I tried one after one for months with no change in any of my symptoms.

On the Saturday after Thanksgiving in 2003, I began to get ready for the day. Todd was home from the university for the weekend and was at work. I planned to spend the day cleaning and cooking to help him be ready to go back to school the next day. I took a shower and brushed my teeth. I could not swish the toothpaste water in my mouth. That was such a strange feeling. The water literally dribbled out of my mouth and down the side of my face. OK! THIS IS WEIRD! Little things continued to happen the rest of the day. I stumbled a lot and could not hold on to my tea glass. Todd and I laughed at my clumsiness that night. I attributed it all to being tired and getting old. Todd left to go back to the university the next afternoon and by that night, I was beginning to lose my speech. I sounded terrible. My speech was garbled and difficult to understand. I also realized that I was unable to swallow food or drink and that it was getting worse. I looked fine on the outside but something was happening to me. I don't remember being scared at all. I just remember thinking this is weird! Things are not what they seem. ......to be continued

“The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." I Samuel 16:7