A Dance with the Dragon

I remember talking to Todd the morning of my surgery and lying in the pre-op area. There were no feelings of fear or nervousness. I knew that God was in control. I prayed that Dr. R would have sure and strong surgeon's hands and that his hands would be guided by the perfect Healer. I knew that there was a tumor on my thymus gland and that both the tumor and the gland were to be removed in the surgery. Dr. K, Dr. M and Dr. R all assured me that the tumor would be benign. I had no worries! Right! Right? Right!?!

My next memory is waking up after surgery in the intensive care unit and being on a ventilator. I was on a VENTILATOR and felt totally panicked. The feeling of claustrophobia was overwhelming. Plus, when a huge tube is down my throat I can't talk. I MUST TALK. Talking is important to an extrovert. I remember looking into the eyes of the Respiratory Therapist (RT) and the nurse. I kept hitting the tube and pleading for them to take it out. The nurse and the RT tried to explain to me that I was not strong enough to breathe on my own. I had to have the help of the machine to keep me breathing and that I could not fight the machine or I would have to be sedated. If I had to be sedated it would take even longer for me to be able to breathe on my own. It seemed no matter how I tried, I could not fight the panic of the ventilator tube in my throat. I didn't even think about the results of the surgery or the tumor that was removed. I had tubes in my chest and staples down my chest where it was cracked open to remove the tumor. I didn't think about those things. I was assured the tumor would be benign because they always are. I had no worries!

On Christmas eve, Todd came to spend the night with me. I remember feeling so excited and happy to have him with me. I tried to be enthusiastic and ignore the fatigue and heaviness that I was feeling. Todd brought a dvd player and the newly released Pirates of the Carribean movie for us to watch in the hospital room. This was not a typical Christmas for us. I felt blessed to have a Christmas with Todd and to be spending it with him even if it was not in our typical way. I didn't make it through the movie. I was too exhausted.

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:4-8