Waiting

Thinking of my cousin and what he experienced being in intensive care has been on my mind. He had so many emotional and mental challenges that I wonder if he was especially traumatized being there. I spent many days in intensive care during my hospital stay. It is a lonely and frightening place. It is ironic to me that the time when a patient is the sickest, the patient is placed in intensive care where the least amount of visitation is allowed with the patient's support system. I KNOW I KNOW they have it to help the patient but I also know how scary and lonely it is from first hand experience. When I reflect on those months now several years down the road the main thing that stands out to me are the feelings that I experienced.

I knew that I was very sick when I was in the hospital. There were many times that I knew I was dying. My physical and emotional strength were gone. On one of those occasions Dr. M had me transferred to intensive care. Karen called Todd to come home again. He was trying to finish his finals at the university before he moved home permanently. I vividly remember how badly I wanted to see Todd. I remember telling Karen and the nurses to please get Todd for me. The need to see him was profound. I thought that I was going to die and I thought that I would not get to see Todd again before I died. MG affects the facial muscles and sometimes my face looks frozen or has an expressionless look. During this intensive care visit I was very weak. None of the muscles in my body were working and I could not cry. I remember lying in the bed in the intensive care unit and asking the nurse repeatedly if my son had arrived and  telling her that I wanted to see my son. The nurse left my room to attend a shift change meeting. I remember lying there listening to the beep beep beep of the heart monitor and the swish swish swish of the breathing machine. Then I heard Todd's voice at the nurse's station. He was 5 minutes past visiting hours. He had driven 3 hours from the university, I was dying and the nurse would not let Todd come in to see me until the next visiting time. I was totally helpless. My vivid memory is of one tear rolling down my cheek and I was so weak I could not wipe that tear from my face. I did push the nurse's button but they told me that there were rules and Todd would be back. I would have to wait. Even writing this almost 7 years later is hard and brings tears to my eyes.

I am waiting. "Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary." Isaiah 40:31